Listen, I clocked in at 3 a.m. with a gym bag, a deck of dreams, and a snack that tasted like cardboard. Vegas looked me dead in the eyes and said hello, and I said hello back, then mumbled a quiet “fuck” under my breath because the heat outside still felt like a hair dryer set to apocalypse. I love this city, I swear, but she loves to test me like a final exam written by a comedian on edibles, especially during the summer.
Roulette spins, blackjack slaps, eDice purrs, and the pit hums like a choir that learned every harmony from TikTok and tequila. Somewhere between the coffee and the eye contact, a tourist asked if I was lucky. I told him luck is a rental. You pay with time, you tip with grit, and you pray like hell the wheel gives it back with the same mileage.
Tonight I kept a little tally in my head, a kindness count, a chaos count, and a profanity budget that was already overdrawn by three damns and one stray bullshit before I’d even buttoned my vest. The floor was a sea of neon and perfume, a thundercloud of expectations, and my hands were steady. I shuffled like poetry, dealt like promise, smiled like I meant it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I fake it like a magician.
I hate the heat, truly, deeply, with my whole ass, but I hate missing a good story more. So I stay. I stay for the regular who tips in kindness and the stranger who tips in whispers, I stay for the couple who learned how to say sorry by betting together, I stay for the dealer jokes and the bathroom pep talks. I stay because Vegas is a woman who will steal your breath and then text you at 3 a.m. asking if you’re up. Of course I’m up. I’m always up. I’m on a schedule with insomnia and ambition and a shot of holy hell.
In the back on break, I breathed and I laughed. Some nights the chaos lands soft, some nights it lands like a piano from a cartoon. I stretched my neck, I checked my timeline, I drafted three outrageous tweets I didn’t send, and I whispered another gentle “fuck” for the humidity that climbed me like a cat with sticky paws. Hydrated and half feral, I went back on the floor like a saint with a punchline.
The wheel blinked. The chips chimed. A guy in a rhinestone hoodie shouted for red like it owed him child support. A bachelorette party rolled in smelling like victory and vanilla. Somebody said the quiet part loud, and somebody said the loud part quiet. I kept the beat. I called the action. I prayed the table’s karma wouldn’t try to collect. When the ball settled, half the rail cheered, half the rail rehearsed their favorite curse words, and I gave them a sermon about luck that even my mother would call cute.
I am trying to be gentler with myself, which is hilarious, because gentleness in this town sometimes feels like bringing a water gun to a wildfire. So I practice boundaries, I practice breath, I practice the art of not taking a stranger’s panic into my body. When the storm hits, I step aside and let it pass. When nonsense knocks, I answer with a smile and a goddamn sense of humor. When the night gets loud, I sing back.
After shift, the Strip looked like a spaceship runway. I pulled into my garage with pockets full of stories and a playlist that made my heartbeat behave. A kid in a cowboy hat told me he loved Vegas because she always says yes, and I told him the trick is knowing when to say no. He nodded like a philosopher and then tripped over a scooter. We are all art in progress, signed in pencil, sealed with sweat, rewritten under fluorescent lights. I promise you I am trying. I promise you I am laughing. I promise you I am not done.
I promised myself a silly breathing exercise, a stoner rosary for the saints of poor impulse control. So here is the mantra.
Read it like a drum, stop whenever you need water, start again when the beat comes back:
- dipshit twat fuck ass bitch bitch bullshit
- twat piss damn horseshit pussy shit fuck
- damn motherfucker bitch dumbass jackass fuck piss
- motherfucker dipshit piss pussy bitch cunt shit horseshit
- ass fuck goddamn pussy dick ass bullshit
- motherfucker dick twat damn bastard twat prick
- prick jackass ass shit cunt shit piss twat
- bastard damn piss asshole dipshit jackass prick
- horseshit motherfucker damn shit bitch asshole damn
- bitch twat bastard ass cunt shit dipshit prick
- goddamn prick prick motherfucker ass dipshit damn
- jackass dipshit goddamn piss bitch goddamn cunt shit
- bastard ass dipshit piss bitch dick shit
- bitch shit dick bastard ass damn motherfucker
- horseshit dick motherfucker dipshit cunt twat bastard dipshit
- cunt shit bullshit ass bullshit bitch piss piss
- ass horseshit pussy horseshit bastard prick bitch
- bullshit dumbass cunt twat damn shit twat bullshit
- dipshit goddamn pussy jackass damn bastard bastard
- jackass cunt shit dumbass ass piss fuck twat
- piss ass dipshit dick twat asshole pussy
- goddamn cunt shit fuck ass dumbass goddamn dumbass
- twat dipshit asshole dipshit dumbass jackass motherfucker
- bullshit prick goddamn piss dumbass fuck jackass
- dick cunt twat fuck twat prick asshole bitch
- shit bitch horseshit damn damn cunt twat damn
- piss bullshit bullshit cunt twat piss goddamn ass
- dumbass jackass pussy motherfucker piss motherfucker asshole
- bastard dipshit prick cunt shit dumbass cunt shit twat
- bitch bitch damn dick fuck horseshit piss
- bitch horseshit bitch fuck damn dipshit shit
- bitch damn shit dick damn dumbass bitch
- ass cunt twat motherfucker piss bullshit horseshit horseshit
- cunt twat bitch cunt twat pussy motherfucker twat twat
- pussy prick pussy pussy cunt shit shit dipshit
- dipshit twat shit bastard dick twat bitch
- motherfucker motherfucker piss cunt shit bullshit pussy goddamn
- ass cunt shit bitch damn cunt shit piss twat
- shit dipshit piss fuck damn bitch goddamn
- pussy cunt twat cunt twat motherfucker bastard shit goddamn
- bastard fuck bastard ass cunt shit asshole pussy
- piss cunt twat bullshit motherfucker asshole motherfucker shit
- horseshit piss shit dick shit shit horseshit
- cunt twat dumbass dumbass goddamn shit dumbass damn
- goddamn damn jackass damn bitch bastard twat
- horseshit bitch horseshit jackass shit jackass damn
- pussy horseshit horseshit dumbass dick ass motherfucker
- dick bitch ass bastard bullshit dipshit asshole
- cunt shit dick damn fuck cunt shit jackass horseshit
- twat damn piss motherfucker dumbass ass bullshit
- prick damn bitch prick asshole goddamn cunt shit
- piss asshole jackass dipshit dumbass fuck piss
- asshole twat bullshit ass twat twat piss
- bullshit ass asshole jackass motherfucker dick motherfucker
- dipshit ass dumbass cunt twat ass shit
- pussy cunt shit twat bastard motherfucker
And if you’re still here, still wide-eyed after that storm of expletives, I dare you. Go back. Count them. Every last one. Treat it like a scavenger hunt, a casino comp, a drinking game with your pride on the line.
You’ll lose track, you’ll start over, you’ll swear the words multiplied when you weren’t looking. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. That’s the beauty of it. The house always wins, but in this game, the house is chaos and the jackpot is laughter.
Count them all, darling. Or don’t.
Either way, you’ll never read numbers the same again.
🍒🎰🧃🌈🫦🎲🫦🌈🧃🎰🍒
If swearing was currency, I’d already own the Strip. Until then, PayPal. Or Bitcoin.
👇
